Well I've been silent for a while. I've just returned from vacation to stone mountain.

uhhh why the fuck cant i get this lj cut to work.


Yay! Nevermind.

It's time to tell the rest of the story. Once and for all.

October of 2007 my son was born. It was a scheduled C-section. My husband and I drove to
my mothers house at 5 am. When we arrived she was already in her car.
We took way to long getting ready. We followed her to the hospital, and down the hall, and up the elevator.
I was so nervous. So scared. But my mom was great. I can't put into words how she was.
If I was 9 and I had just fallen off of the monkey bars, and had to be taken for stitches, that
was the mom I would have gotten. She could fix anything. She was warm, and safe.
Confident and wise. That day.. that's the mother I got.

( It wasn't long after )

well ive been pretty busy these past couple of days.
ive decided to quit spending so much time filling my brain with smoke.
maybe i will complete some more "objectives"

Its 2 am.
I'm watching A&E intervention
a prescription pill abuser named sandra ( my moms name swear to god )
that gave up her children...
and wrecked 3 cars
with her kids in the car

and the worse part...
the show includes segments where this person gets high...
whenever someone is high on muscle relaxers or prescrip downers...
there face gets this pathetic look on it
a look thats burned into my mind
jaw hanging, mouth open, sometimes drool, eyes rolling

that look... that look on my moms face. so many times.

so pathetic. how could i ever respect you again?
all i can see in my head is that goddammed look on your face

the fucking drool running down your chin.
you fucking bitch!

im starting to realize that I'm never going to be able to get over this until I get some counseling.
I dont have health insurance. any ideas?

everyone in my family has drug issues. we all smoke pot. we've all had our problems
so when my mom started passing out everynight from prescriptions it only perked my ears a little bit. After all shes 40 years old she can take care of herself. I was living an hour away...
but i started to notice if I called past 9 there was no use talking to her. She started to call me less.

Then one day she asked me to go to the museum with her and the kids. This may have been before or after or during me moving back to town. Its hard to keep the details straight. But I moved back to town non the less. I was like 6 or 7 months pregnant.

My mother, myself, my husband, and the two toddlers were in my mothers car. She was driving to the museum. We were 10 minutes away from the house when I realized she was high. She stopped too short for stop lights or too close to bumpers. I tried to keep her alert. I was always trying. really i just hoped. soon she was out of the lines. 20 minutes later we were downtown. She passed the museum. Three blocks later she said... where is this damn museum although shes been there 100 times. I convinced her to turn around, and while swirving she almost killed a construction worker. I had no control. she neared the museum but didnt get into the turning lane. I told her to turn and she cut across to do it, running over a median. The 5 year old says " Aunt T... why is this road SO bumpy" I didnt respond.
There was a small child in the road, about to go into the museum, I took the wheel from my moms hand to steer her away from the little girl. My mother passed the parking lot and drove to the back of the museum. Then when i convinced her to turn around she hit a stop sign.

quickly we gained control. Parking the car for her, getting away before cops came. Then we went into the museum. The staff asked us if we wanted a wheelchair. if we wanted to call an ambulance, what did we need.

Like always i explained to them that we were fine. Pregnant me... 21 years old.

we went to a childrens playroom in the museum and my mother passed out with her head hanging for over an hour while the children played. they didnt think anything of this because they saw it all the time.

Then we stumbled around as she sobered up, and had a great day at the museum.

As we walked out she looks at her car, looks at me, and then says... " did i do that"

its hard to portray how shitty stuff like this happening is. It happened so many times.
I call this story "the museum" but I've also got one called "my baby shower" "a trip to myrtle beach" "wedding photos" " fatz cafe"

she did this to me so many times.

At this point, her husband, my step dad and I have started to have secret talks. Hush Hush, did you see her do this... did you know about that, what are we going to do. We decided to put it all in the hands of my uncle who was going to do something.

my grandma is afraid to ride in her car

She swore she only took pills her doctors prescribed her. She swore he had a health condition.

It was only me that he trusted enough to take to doctors appointments with her... for 5 different doctors. She was doctor shopping and nobody knew. And then i went with her as well to buy pills from her pill dealer.

So you're asking... wheres your responsibility? I was completely controlled and manipulated by her. My mother has all power over everybody. She is never to be questioned.

Well I tried my best to hold everything together. I started to be with my mom EVERY and ANY time she was babysitting the kids. So i could babysit her. And many many times I ended up interviening.

Eventually her husband filled for divorce on grounds of drug abuse.
He has an incriminating video of her passed out and using drugs.
I helped her steal it back and destroy it.
I didnt want her to get hurt in her divorce.

Now was the scary part. Everybody knows she has a problem  but nobody cares or really believes, and without my step dad its just me... just 9 months pregnant me, having my first baby and at the same time seeing my mom kill herself and knowing my niece and nefew have no mother. I was just trying to be everything to everybody... i knew i couldnt keep all of the plates in air for long. How in the world was I going to explain to my mother that I couldnt trust her to watch my son? 

I love this video. If you think he's flipflopping, listen closer to what he says. 

crap okay so I need objectives.

i was thinking about the basic question today....

who am I

what am I doing

where am I going

im my attempt to answer that question i realize... nothing. not shit.

okay so I'm a mother #1 and a wife #2. thats not enough obviously so i need a # 3 maybe i should relish this down time in life and get my body into better shape. I think it's just as noble a project as any. time consuming, and productive.

what am i doing. nothing. not a damn thing. i need to get my car fixed. that will help a lot.

where am i going? who knows? back to school. hopefully. back to  the old town  or even to a brand new town.
out of this town for sure. 

So  i will challenge you

WHO ARE YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

How am I supposed to get motivated when I have no objectives in life.
Thats the problem with this whole stay at home mom thing.

nothing to study for
no boss to impress
taking care of a baby is easy

i'm feeling extremely under challenged.

but I dont wanna work ya know? even if i did have a car right now... which i dont.
i want to be with my son all day. I dont want to miss his life.

i need some new objectives in life.

cleaning and looking cute can occupy a little time but...I'm not shallow enough to get satisfaction from that.

On another note I've been out of school for way too long.
My grammar, spelling, writing and conversation skills have gone to pot.

fuck me i need direction

well im planning my next real entry....

you know the kind you have to figure out what you're going to say....
and how to tell the story without dragging in too many details and still portraying the important bits
I should be able to write the next link in my story soon...


but for today Bradley went to the doctor.

He is 25 pounds and 30 inches (((wowo a big 9 month old)))
everything is good. No shots.
But hes burnt his finger on a lightbulb and it looks so bad. It's his first real boo boo


Oh and I almost forgot. This was crazy. So a little backstory, before I had the baby our house was never really tidy
but lately I have been doing a good job. really a good job, and it has for the most part gone unnoticed.
Well we spent all day out today so when we returned at like 6 my husband started throwing a fit because the house was messy

Now ive never seen him do this before because it used to always be filthy and he wouldnt care.
But he must be spoiled now. cause he was a snarky little ass.

My Point: If your house is clean just about every single day then why are you going to bitch one day when it isnt. I would have dont it tomorrow. I mean... give me one day off. Come on.

it all started with my sister.

it sounds like a story.. like fiction gone cliche.
We were happy. A mother, stepfather, and two siblings. Both girls, in their early 20's.
Two grandchildren.. and an extended family.

It started with my sister. She never choose to get pregnant, and when her daughter was 6 months old she didnt choose to get pregnant again. She was unhappy compounded only by the constant financial instability.

So my sister... well she had gotten this job, and wanted to go out with the girls on the weekend... her coworker. This one girl.  Well, two months later... after much neglect and disreguard for her children she announced she was leaving to smoke crack. My neice actually remembers the day, and can recount the story to my horror. She remembers that she was watching wizard of oz in her room... the day her mommy went away never to come back. I'm glad I was there that day, because I am still promising her that Aunt T will never go away.
It was easter day 07 when i knew for sure my sister was never going to be a mother to her 4 year old daughter and her 3 year old son.

this is all the past I can take for now. I'm sure we will visit this subject again  in the future.

hosting a cookout at my house today for the inlaws..
fun fun. really. ... no not really.

I want them to leave so I can smoke some pot.
At least I have a smirnoff

well lets see if i can squeeze in a quick post before my husband gets back from BK

I drove past my grandmas house today to deliver some grass to my brother in law.
Apparently my uncle is in town and has not called me yet.
He has been out of town working since we returned from chicago in late march

we went to chicago for a funeral
i went because my grandma was too nervous to drive with my mom (prescription drug addict)
My mother, grandmother, uncle, myself and my then 6 month old son

that was the trip that ended my relationship with my whole family....

I was pushed past a line with three years of rampant drug addiction, which caused a divorce...
and eventually the loss of her children and grandchildren...

but she doesnt care

all she does is

deny

deny

deny

but how? how does the rest of my family go along smiling like we never ran a semi off the road....
like she never collapsed in a plate of food at the funeral dinner afterwards....

so i saw my uncle today... drove past him really...

On another note... Bradley loves fireworks! I thought he would ignore them but he is the perfect age, 9 months now.